Thanks for clearing all of this up for us, Kevin.
From the Barney Fife post, again.
Our investigation has determined that a PTLA guard was blinded by a laser last Friday while trying to retrieve thumb drives from a former LANL archivist who was attempting to flee the parking lot at Cheeks in a lab owned Ford Mustang. In the ensuing confusion a patron who had been diligently forwarding needlessly classified emails suddenly discovered he had a family. In his haste to return to his new found family, the man collided with the blinded guard, causing him to bump into a retired Chinese-American scientist, who spilled aqua regia on the guard's pants. Fortunately, a second guard heroically and expertly shot the blinded guard's pants causing them to fall off and saving the blinded guard from inhaling aqua regia fumes.
-- Kevin Roark